Home is where the heart is.. or is it?!

I have said it a million times before: it is IMPOSSIBLE for someone to understand what it is like to move to a different country unless they have done it.. it is the biggest mental F@#% UP ever!!

My sister sent me an email from America.. she wrote “when im here, Jordan is home and when im in Jordan, America is home” She hit the nail on the head! Is it possible to lose your home? Because if it is I am DEFINITELY suffering from this…

I have spent 23 years in America, that is home! I have spent 2 years in Jordan and have grown up in those 2 years more than I have in 23 years and can’t imagine living anywhere else, that is home! I’m a mess..

I am supposed to be visiting “home” soon and I am excited/scared/nervous!

I am excited to see my parents, my sisters, my friends! I am excited to drive through the streets that I know so well, shop at the amazing stores, eat at the amazing restaurants, be in awe by the amazing Manhattan.. I am excited to sleep in my bed! Lay on my couch! Watch my TV!.. I am excited to see grass! See bodies of water! See buildings that are so tall you feel dizzy when looking up…. I am excited to go home!

I am scared to be disappointed. I am scared that I will go back and realize that I was forgotten because at the end of the day life goes on.. I am scared that nobody will have time for me.. I am scared that I will count down the minutes until I am back in Jordan.. I am scared that things won’t seem as magical once I am there.. I am scared that I won’t want to leave.. I am scared to go home!

I am nervous because I know that when I go from one home to another Jordan will become a blur.. a dream.. and that is the scariest concept I can think of. As soon as I see the skyline of the city or the half burned lights of Cross County I KNOW that Jordan will feel like a land far away that barely existed.. it always happens and it is always mind blowing. Things there feel so natural, so normal, so relaxing and I have to struggle to remember my life here.. I am nervous to go home!

To be continued from my other home….

July.7.2010

Tomorrow is a big day for me for 2 reasons.. first it marks 25 years of life.. but more importantly it marks 2 years to the day that I have been in Jordan. July 7, 2008 I was on an airplane going from New York, America to Madrid, Spain to Amman, Jordan. (My mom tried to convince me that having my birthday on a plane would b fun and involve cake.. both of which were definitely not tru!)

I don’t really like my birthday.. I guess I took after my dad.. I don’t see the big deal in birthdays.. its just another day.. if anything I dread it because it usually ends up crappy.. last year’s was HORRIBLE..

Its funny how when ur young all u want 2 do is get away from ur family and celebrate ur birthday with friends.. now that im older id give anything 2 celebrate my birthday with my family.. homemade cake.. presents from people who know me better than I know myself.. msakhan on the table for dinner (my favorite!).. laughing till it hurts.. fights here and there.. amazingness…..

I’m excited 2 see what this year has in store for my birthday.. but I am almost sure that it will involve a lot of sleeping and self loathing….. =)

Why did you choose Jordan over New York?

I have never been more sick of a question in my life! I am not only sick of it because I have been asked this question a million times since I have been here, but also because I have NO IDEA how to answer it…

People love to assume things.. I guess it makes them feel smart, analytical, or intuitive to try and figure me, or anyone else 4 that matter, out.. like my own personal psychiatrist.. I always have people assuming they know the reason why I am here.. why I left New York. . I love hearing their explanations…

running away from the police

running away from a boy

running away from my family

running away……

I am not saying they are ALL wrong.. mayb all of them in one way or another are right (except for the police one =P ).. I am pretty sure I can name 50 different reasons why I now live in Jordan.. but can I name THE REASON? The one thing that made me choose Jordan over New York.. I don’t think it exists honesty..

I can list off the shallow reasons: the food.. cheap argillah.. the entertainment.. the weather.. the sites..

I can list off the cultural reasons: the strong arab roots.. the language.. the religion (though I am not religious)..

I can list off the reasons why I left America: desperate need for a change.. grew up too fast.. boredom.. it was then or never..
But when it comes down to it.. those are just things I list when I try really hard to look for a reason.. I don’t think they really played any large role in my transition.. the honest truth is it was easy.. I think that’s y I did it.. some things happened between facebook.. meeting a random person.. a job interview.. and strangely coincidental situations that made it impossible not to consider it.. I spent at least 2 weeks while on vacation here not being able 2 eat sleep or do anything else at all because all I did was question whether I could really do it or not.. drop my life without even saying goodbye and stay in Jordan.. was I that exciting? Was I that daring? Was I that brave?..... I guess I was =)