Arab-American or American-Arab

Such a mess.. sad to say that I don’t have a true “culture” but it didn’t seem as important until I moved here.. or is it the reason I moved here? Hard to say…

Your culture defines you in this country.. and I guess anywhere.. but for some reason I struggle to define myself.. yet continuously find the need to..

In America I was strange.. I ate different food.. celebrated different holidays.. listened to different music.. my culture was a HUGE part of how I grew up.. but of course not to the extreme of people who actually grew up in this country.. does that mean it counts for less?

I was raised not to call myself an American but an Arab-American! Were they just words? Nobody seems to believe them but me… but in my heart it is SO strong!

I am not someone who really believes in religion but there is no doubt in my mind that my kids will be raised Muslim. I will show them the beauty that I see in my religion.. the morals.. the ethics.. the “magic” for lack of a better word.. My children will grow up to be proud Muslims like me!


My kids will be raised to see the beauty in the culture. They will see it through my eyes.. the eyes of their ancestors.. and the eyes of every Arab around them.. they will see it from someone who gave up an “American” life because of the love of this culture (which.. im sorry.. is at least more than I can say for some of the people here who dislike this culture and always fight with me about my decision).. My children will grow up to be proud Arabs like me!

In America I was Arab and here I am American.. unless u are in this you will NEVER understand how frustrating that is.. do I not have a say to which culture I belong? Can’t I have a mixture of both instead of not being good enough to be either?!

Not to mention the Iranian parts……

Home is where the heart is.. or is it?!

I have said it a million times before: it is IMPOSSIBLE for someone to understand what it is like to move to a different country unless they have done it.. it is the biggest mental F@#% UP ever!!

My sister sent me an email from America.. she wrote “when im here, Jordan is home and when im in Jordan, America is home” She hit the nail on the head! Is it possible to lose your home? Because if it is I am DEFINITELY suffering from this…

I have spent 23 years in America, that is home! I have spent 2 years in Jordan and have grown up in those 2 years more than I have in 23 years and can’t imagine living anywhere else, that is home! I’m a mess..

I am supposed to be visiting “home” soon and I am excited/scared/nervous!

I am excited to see my parents, my sisters, my friends! I am excited to drive through the streets that I know so well, shop at the amazing stores, eat at the amazing restaurants, be in awe by the amazing Manhattan.. I am excited to sleep in my bed! Lay on my couch! Watch my TV!.. I am excited to see grass! See bodies of water! See buildings that are so tall you feel dizzy when looking up…. I am excited to go home!

I am scared to be disappointed. I am scared that I will go back and realize that I was forgotten because at the end of the day life goes on.. I am scared that nobody will have time for me.. I am scared that I will count down the minutes until I am back in Jordan.. I am scared that things won’t seem as magical once I am there.. I am scared that I won’t want to leave.. I am scared to go home!

I am nervous because I know that when I go from one home to another Jordan will become a blur.. a dream.. and that is the scariest concept I can think of. As soon as I see the skyline of the city or the half burned lights of Cross County I KNOW that Jordan will feel like a land far away that barely existed.. it always happens and it is always mind blowing. Things there feel so natural, so normal, so relaxing and I have to struggle to remember my life here.. I am nervous to go home!

To be continued from my other home….

July.7.2010

Tomorrow is a big day for me for 2 reasons.. first it marks 25 years of life.. but more importantly it marks 2 years to the day that I have been in Jordan. July 7, 2008 I was on an airplane going from New York, America to Madrid, Spain to Amman, Jordan. (My mom tried to convince me that having my birthday on a plane would b fun and involve cake.. both of which were definitely not tru!)

I don’t really like my birthday.. I guess I took after my dad.. I don’t see the big deal in birthdays.. its just another day.. if anything I dread it because it usually ends up crappy.. last year’s was HORRIBLE..

Its funny how when ur young all u want 2 do is get away from ur family and celebrate ur birthday with friends.. now that im older id give anything 2 celebrate my birthday with my family.. homemade cake.. presents from people who know me better than I know myself.. msakhan on the table for dinner (my favorite!).. laughing till it hurts.. fights here and there.. amazingness…..

I’m excited 2 see what this year has in store for my birthday.. but I am almost sure that it will involve a lot of sleeping and self loathing….. =)

Why did you choose Jordan over New York?

I have never been more sick of a question in my life! I am not only sick of it because I have been asked this question a million times since I have been here, but also because I have NO IDEA how to answer it…

People love to assume things.. I guess it makes them feel smart, analytical, or intuitive to try and figure me, or anyone else 4 that matter, out.. like my own personal psychiatrist.. I always have people assuming they know the reason why I am here.. why I left New York. . I love hearing their explanations…

running away from the police

running away from a boy

running away from my family

running away……

I am not saying they are ALL wrong.. mayb all of them in one way or another are right (except for the police one =P ).. I am pretty sure I can name 50 different reasons why I now live in Jordan.. but can I name THE REASON? The one thing that made me choose Jordan over New York.. I don’t think it exists honesty..

I can list off the shallow reasons: the food.. cheap argillah.. the entertainment.. the weather.. the sites..

I can list off the cultural reasons: the strong arab roots.. the language.. the religion (though I am not religious)..

I can list off the reasons why I left America: desperate need for a change.. grew up too fast.. boredom.. it was then or never..
But when it comes down to it.. those are just things I list when I try really hard to look for a reason.. I don’t think they really played any large role in my transition.. the honest truth is it was easy.. I think that’s y I did it.. some things happened between facebook.. meeting a random person.. a job interview.. and strangely coincidental situations that made it impossible not to consider it.. I spent at least 2 weeks while on vacation here not being able 2 eat sleep or do anything else at all because all I did was question whether I could really do it or not.. drop my life without even saying goodbye and stay in Jordan.. was I that exciting? Was I that daring? Was I that brave?..... I guess I was =)

I almost forgot...

The other day I was asked a question about America.. and I almost forgot.. I almost forgot the answer to the question.. did I almost forget America?

I almost forgot
…what it was like to hear everyone around me speak English, so easy to communicate
…it was replaced by the sound of Arabic, beautiful but I still cant speak it!

I almost forgot
…what it was like to call up my parents and see them anytime I want
…it was replaced by skyping my parents when we find a suitable time which is hard because of the time difference

I almost forgot
…what it was like to walk around the streets of Times Square, still amazed after the thousandth time
…it was replaced with walking around Jabal Amman, amazing in its own way

I almost forgot
…what it was like to walk down a street and not be noticed
…it was replaced by male eyes watching every step

I almost forgot
…what it was like driving around the streets of Yonkers, I knew them so well
…it was replaced by driving around circles 1 through 8, I always get lost!

I almost forgot
…what it was like to order Chinese food or pizza to be delivered on a lazy day
…it was replaced by shawerma and falafel, and of course Tazej

I almost forgot
…what it was like to order a large iced coffee from DD at all hours of the day
…it was replaced by tea and Nescafe from street venders

I almost forgot
…what it was like to hang out with all kinds of friends doing whatever, never being judged
…it was replaced by hanging out with all kinds of friends, doing almost whatever, but being judged

I almost forgot
…what it was like to go to a bar after work with coworkers to unwind
…it was replaced by argillah/hookah cafes after work with coworkers to unwind

I almost forgot
…what it was like to be surrounded by people who knew close to nothing about my culture
…it was replaced by people who made me feel like I knew close to nothing about my culture

I almost forgot
…what it was like to live in America
…that is something that can never truly be replaced

Cars

One of my closest friends just came home from Saudi Arabia.. He surprised me with a new car he just got for himself.. it’s a brand new.. red.. limited edition.. black leather/red stitching.. PORSCHE.. its beautiful.. I realized cars in Jordan are VERY different..

Most people in New York City don’t own cars because there’s no place to park them and its easier to take a subway or train everywhere… I understand that.. in Yonkers almost every1 owns a car but they’re normal cars.. a Mitsubishi, Toyota, Honda.. stuff like that..

In Jordan you have to pay customs when buying a car that are around 65%.. this makes a car EXTREMELY expensive yet most people drive luxury! Jordan is not a rich country.. of course we have our very rich people but as a whole it is not that wealthy.. yet MOST people in this country drive amazing cars!

I can maybe name 1 or 2 people in New York that I know who drive a Mercedes or BMW or Lexus… in Jordan I feel like MOST of my friends don’t only drive a Mercedes but they drive the brand new limited edition S class.. or the only of its kind Range Rover.. or the fanciest BMW on the market that looks nicer than my apartment in and out!!

I get very jealous…

(i did get him 2 promise that if he were to buy some1 a porsche id b the first person hed buy 1 for!) =)

Expectations on females..

Obviously Jordan is a country which contains a deep culture, and a strong religion. As much beauty as this brings, it also brings stress and pressure to levels which are sometimes unbearable.

I am still not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing. For a while I really appreciated it, thought it kept someone on the right track, taught some1 respect for themselves, but lately I think I am changing my mind… I think, like most things in this country, it is taken to an extreme..

When you put limitations and restrictions on things, you sometimes make them worse than they are. I see my American friends putting up pictures of themselves in bathing suits.. they’re beautiful.. never once did I lose respect for them because of these pictures.. seeing the comments underneath, there is no1 referring to them in a negative way, or a disrespectful way.. its normal!! .. nothing strange.. nothing bad AT ALL.. in Jordan on the other hand, you can see a picture of a girl with a turtleneck.. showing NOTHING.. and theres 50 comments underneath from guys talking about how sexy/hot/etc. she is! THERE is the disrespect.. so mayb it is not the picture.. or what is shown/not shown in the picture but it is the culture and the taboo we put on looking at girls in such a way here that makes guys want to do it more…

Girls and boys start dating usually around the age of 15 I guess, in most if not all cultures.. some start a lot younger and some start a lot later but I think that is about average.. is there something wrong with that? In America it is very normal for your mom to take a picture of you kissing your boyfriend to show everyone how “cute you guys are together”.. it isn’t something to be ashamed of.. holding hands in public.. hugging.. cuddling on the couch with friends around and your parents walking in and out while watching tv isn’t a problem at all.. in Jordan if you are known as a girl who once had a boyfriend your labeled as “not decent”.. let alone do ANYTHING in public.. it is extremely rare to see any of that affection.. and its something I really miss.. seeing the openness and comfortableness of people in the streets.. sometimes its nice 2 hold hands.. and cuddle on a couch.. even if just with a friend and not a boyfriend at all (I don’t think that could ever really be possible here!!!!)... of course there are some exceptions...

I guess its another one of those things that I think people here need to relax about.. and after writing this and rereading it 10 times I have officially decided that I do not agree with the way it is done here! Kissing and cuddling and bathing suits are things that I support =)